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 The Hights and The Crash and The Nothing

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LovelyLonely
Werewolf
Werewolf
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Number of posts : 229
Registration date : 2011-02-19
Age : 23
Female
Location : My mom's most of the week/my dad's on whatever day he decides, My room because I can't bare the thought of the world outside my door, In my dreams wondering how I can get away

PostSubject: The Hights and The Crash and The Nothing   Sat Mar 05, 2011 1:55 am

I felt something today.
It wasn't a flutter or a burst or a zap.
It felt more like a twitter or a light or a warmth, deep inside of me, deep down, impossibly deep.
It was like a glimpse of what there was, a taste of what could be, a glimmer of what should be.
I felt so high like my mind was hight above the world, mingling with the stars and trying to find the playful moon. My hands shook and my head swam and my feet felt light and my adrenaline ran.
It was an odd little glimmer, an odd like should.
It was a taste of cirtus and sugar, a sound of soft Debussy, a scent of vanilla rose.
It was an odd like feeling, a growing ray of warmth, all from the moving pictures of the screen.
I always thought people who wrote this way were fools with folly thinking.
They were peculiar liars with sweet empty words.
How could there be such a feeling? When the world is cold and bitter with fake nice. When it is cruel and misleading and covered with people of ice.
Yet there it was, a feeling of compassion and joy and humanity and love, for people I did not know on a mer screen in front of me.
There was nothing real about them.
There was no meaning in the fictionous story.
There was only false hope of things so lovely.
Yet I want to believe what I felt just by seeing their foolish story was real. I want to believe such lovely things can be real.
And yet my hights are once more leadened, dooming me to fall back to the ground where only cold statue of ice shells wander.
They seek aimlessly to find anything that will copy the glimmer of what I felt, even if they do not know it is what they are seeking.
They seek mindlessly to know of what once make me feel so weightless, but now makes me so sad.
They seek to find what I once felt, tasted, smelled and held in my hands.
And all I can find is the memory that is left.
All that is left is the once tangible feeling, so hard to put in words, so hard to feel again.
It drives people mad and insane with its coy loveliness.
It renders these cold shells useless or to their own destruction with its sweet scent.
It brandishes them fools and idiots with its simple complex taste.
This angelic demon that makes addicts of the strongest men and shrews of the sweets girls.
Thinking about how such a beautiful feeling can cause so much pain and twisted destruction brings me down from my own hights and crushes my own soul to the ground with the thought.
That hight.
That addictive beautiful demonic lovely deadly angelic hight.
Because in the end these cold lonely shells can be killed with their love. These fragile beautiful ugly people can be destroyed by the mer taste of the feeling that turns good husbands and good wives into branded slaves of adultery. Good men who serve their people so relentlessly are tarnished and torn. Good women who are willfully strong in both body and mind are branded and driven mad.
How can such a beautiful rose have such an ugly poisonous thorn?
Now I must be like my beautiful hideous gentle cruel shells. I must be the best, the fantasy me. The bubbly peppy sugary happy sweet as can be me. I must. I have to. Less I be branded and tarnished and thrown aside. But I am deeper, much deeper, because in my soul resides: scars and tears and sorrows and joys. Loves and hates and angers and loathes. A selfish child and a responsible adult. I'm stuck in between and I can't get out. From love to lust to love again. The world is a twirl swirling world of misgiven.
They tell you "you must be happy and carefree, if you are not you are tarnished and scary." We must mock what others do but somehow make it our own. We must fit in like a puzzle piece yet be uniquely our own.
The memory of that feeling that I had once felt is fading. I no longer feel sad but feel nothing at all. So many have poisoned me, intentionally or not. I can be more delicate than I appear. The hight, the hight, I'm forgetting it now. I wish I could feel it, hold it, and taste it now.
But all there is is people and games. I play the daughter. I play the friend. The student. The sister. The weirdo. The smart one. The ditz. The helpful. The selfish. The kind. The cruel. The sweet. The blunt. The dark. The light. So many games, so many peices, so many characters.
And then there is nothing at all. My mind's paramore, its lover, its adored. This nothing I now feel, it has no scent. There is neither warmth nor cool. Their is no touch or taste. In this place I don't feel or remember anything. Like a calm shell to protect me from harmful things, like poisonous people all cruel lies and hate. But if I stay here too long I am lost. I can't remember what I did yesterday. I can't remember what anything is suppose to smell like. Everything has such a dull odd taste. This language I speak and write is is odd and foreign, like it is not mine. The nothingness calls me, taking advantage of my weaknesses.
No one must know. No one must see. No one is like this.
Only me.
Their hight I felt once. Their crash I felt too. But now, I feel nothing.
It is dangerous to be alone.
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LovelyLonely
Werewolf
Werewolf
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Number of posts : 229
Registration date : 2011-02-19
Age : 23
Female
Location : My mom's most of the week/my dad's on whatever day he decides, My room because I can't bare the thought of the world outside my door, In my dreams wondering how I can get away

PostSubject: Re: The Hights and The Crash and The Nothing   Sun Mar 13, 2011 5:00 pm

-falls on the floor- Wow that's a lot!
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Im_a_wolf_lover
The Alpha's Best
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Number of posts : 2064
Registration date : 2010-05-27
Age : 23
Female
Location : Waiting for paradies to come save us but for now im on this site and everything else feels like a dream.

PostSubject: Re: The Hights and The Crash and The Nothing   Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:33 pm

yeah
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LovelyLonely
Werewolf
Werewolf
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Number of posts : 229
Registration date : 2011-02-19
Age : 23
Female
Location : My mom's most of the week/my dad's on whatever day he decides, My room because I can't bare the thought of the world outside my door, In my dreams wondering how I can get away

PostSubject: Re: The Hights and The Crash and The Nothing   Sun Mar 20, 2011 7:35 pm

tongue
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